Embracing Grief:: An unexpected yet crucial step in healing from childhood trauma
A piece that came out of yesterday’s session of processing grief
Therapy has been a consistent in my life since I was 21. That was when my one and only vivid memory of childhood sexual abuse surfaced. It turns out it was ongoing, and that almost all my memories of it were repressed in a brilliant scheme by my brain to protect me. I was flying very blind at the time that this memory surfaced, but I was determined to deal with this head on (I found out later that this is also a trauma response). So, I sought therapy, not having any clue as to what kind of therapist to look for, or ANYTHING about it really. I just knew that I wanted to heal. For me, that meant focusing on the steps I thought I needed to take to “get better”, and therapy was the obvious choice at the top of that list.
Fast forward to 2006 when I earned my Masters in Clinical Psychology. Ironically, even after earning my degree, and training as a therapist, I was STILL blind to the effect my trauma truly was having on my body, mind and spirit. I learned much later in life (like last year), that trauma survivors need a much different approach to healing, and that all of the talk therapy I had received didn’t do much but give me an intellectual understanding of my trauma. Despite that limitation, I am grateful for my years in therapy, and my education and training as a therapist. I am even more grateful to finally be working with a bonafide trauma therapist. In the year that we have been working together, I have experienced the most healing, understanding, self-compassion, validation and transformation in my life
One critical awareness that has been borne of this most recent leg of my healing journey is the role that grief plays. This has surprised me, but I am learning first-hand that grief is an integral and unavoidable part of healing from trauma. I am finding that giving it space, and embracing it is one of the most transformative steps in my healing process.
My understanding of grief until now had been associated with tangible and explainable loss. For example, losing a loved one, a job, a pet, or a significant relationship. When it comes to my childhood trauma, however, the losses are harder to pidgeon hole and the grief can shapeshift. In my experience, memories of ongoing sexual abuse were non-existent for so long, but the effects of it were alive and well in my nervous system and body. As I have learned to allow myself to understand and acknowledge these deep effects that my trauma has had on me, the grief has come in huge waves. This kind of grief is more unsettling than any other I have experienced. It is deeply unsettling because it comes out of nowhere is often hard to understand or pinpoint as grief. The other types of grief, as painful as they are, at least come with a tangible and socially acceptable/understandable reason. The grief that comes from trauma is more nuanced, and in my opinion, very sneaky.
Sometimes it is a blanket of inexplicable sadness, sometimes it is triggered by seeing a photo of myself as a carefree child before the abuse started (I was five). It can be about so many things…the loss of a carefree childhood, the loss innocence, the loss of trust in others, the damage to my brain and body, the loss of years of happiness and joy from living in survival mode, or the absence of a sense of safety and security throughout my childhood. Acknowledging these losses has been the first step in understanding why grief is so essential to my healing. My grief manifests in many ways, including sadness, anger, self-criticism, deep shame, unexplainable guilt, or even numbness. It has been important for me to recognize that these manifestations of grief are valid and part of the natural response to trauma. Allowing myself to understand and feel my way through these things, rather than suppressing them or beating myself up for having them, has been crucial for healing.
Here are some ways that allowing my grief to have space is helping me to heal:
Validation: Giving space to grief allows me to feel valid in my feelings and acknowledge the pain that was inflicted upon me. It is a way of telling myself that my feelings matter and that my trauma is real (this has been VERY hard for me because I have constantly questioned the validity of my own feelings and experiences).
Emotional Release: Holding onto unprocessed grief was like carrying a heavy toxic weight that threatened to suffocate me. It lived in my body and caused illness and pain. Through allowing myself to grieve, I have been able to express these buried emotions, release them from my body and make space for healing and growth.
Reconnection with Myself: Grieving has helped me reconnect with parts of myself that were lost or suppressed due to my trauma. Healing and grieving are processes of rediscovery and reclamation. As I allow myself to grieve, I am able to integrate these parts into a more cohesive and authentic sense of self. Grief is helping me to truly know myself for the first time.
My creative practice is an essential part of processing of the overwhelming waves of (sometimes unexplainable) grief that can knock me on my ass. It is a safe container for expressing grief that is impossible to put into words. As I give this grief the space to exist, I am learning to be more tender with myself, which is a huge change from even just five years ago, when I was still addressing my trauma as if it were a deficiency in me to fix. In other words, allowing myself to feel the true grief around what happened to me in the most formative years of my life, helps me to release the need to look at myself as a self-improvement project. I can now hold space for myself and have compassion, rather than overriding my emotions with the intensity of a drill sergeant (so grateful to my drill sergeant “protector” though). Every day, I gently remind myself that grief is not a sign of weakness but a testament to my strength and resilience as well as an avenue for healing and thriving. It is a necessary part of my healing process, allowing me to acknowledge, process and release the pain that has been holding me hostage most of my life. By embracing my grief, I am honoring my past, validating my experiences, and creating a path towards a healthier and more fulfilling life.
I am so grateful for my art practice and how it provides me with a powerful outlet for and way to process these emotions as well as a way to effectively calm and heal my nervous system. If you have any questions about how art can help you heal, please reach out. I am here for you.