Honest art making :: The truth revealed

A segment of the giant art journal “page” on my wall

As Gabor Mate' says, "trauma is not what happened to you, trauma is what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you". Despite my 30 plus years of therapy, earning my Masters in Clinical Psychology and hours in training as a therapist, I could never quite absorb that truth. I was caught in a cycle of trying to heal what happened to me by talking about it. This is not bad, and I never want to poo poo talk therapy, but sometimes I get very sad about the 30 years I spent virtually spinning my wheels. To be fair, I don’t think I could have faced it any other way until a few years ago, but that is another story for another time. Thankfully, with all of the emerging research and information on the effects of complex trauma, as well as working with a therapist who not only specializes in healing from CPTSD, but has a personal experience and understanding of what it takes to heal from CPTSD, I am approaching my healing in a deeper way now. I am listening to my body and learning to understand and work with my triggers. Sometimes the triggers are very subtle and unidentifiable, but they can still send me into a vortex of shame and pain as if real threats were everywhere. It can stop me in my tracks and feel like I am in some kind of intense scary battleground. I can look around my beautiful, safe life for life preservers, but the vortex is very strong and will a lot of times pull me in anyhow.

Thankfully I have developed a large toolbox for managing these moments, and yesterday I had to open it up and pull almost everything out. I was not in a good place. The first thing I thought to do after trying to walk it off (walking in nature is very grounding) was to head to my studio and sling some paint. On my way there, I listened to the latest episode of Jodie King's Honest Art podcast. In the episode, she was talking about the benefits of art for our mental health. This is pretty much WHY I was heading to my studio, and why I make art in the first place, so of course I was interested in her perspective. Everything she said resonated, but when she mentioned the idea of being vulnerable in our art making and not in the sense of baring our soul to everyone around us, but being honest with OURSELVES, I felt a mix of relief …and also shame. 

I pride myself in having been proactive in my healing since I was 21, but was I honest? She really got me thinking! I feel like I have been as honest with myself as possible along the way, but as I proceed with my deeper trauma healing, I realize that it was never actually safe to be honest with myself, which is why I don't remember much. My brain did a brilliant thing and blocked the painful episodes so that I could survive. Sadly though, that brilliant move also blocked most of the regular memories. So, there is nothing to remember, let alone know what I should say to myself about it. When I heard her words, the shame that I was already feeling seemed to grow, because how could I be honest with myself when I didn't even remember what happened in most of my life? This was my own trauma speaking, and in no way a reflection of the positive message that Jodie was sharing, but it felt really raw to think about it.

When I arrived at the studio, I was in a pretty activated state. I immediately grabbed my supply cart and wheeled it over to my ginormous canvas on the wall. This canvas is currently serving as my "art journal” and is huge and hearty enough to receive whatever I throw at it. And throw at it I did!!!!! I cried, slung paint, scribbled until the pencil broke, hit the wall with fistfuls of acrylic and ended up sitting on the ground covered in paint with a face wet from tears. But do you want to know what happened after all of that? I felt lighter. I felt the truth of who I am and not the lies of the triggery shame vortex. I felt my body relax so I could come home into myself again. 

This is what art making can do for us. It does not matter if you have a huge canvas on the wall, like I do, or a tiny journal on your kitchen table. There is actual scientific evidence that shows that making art calms the amygdala (The amygdala is the part of the brain that's most closely associated with fear, emotions, and motivation), and increases dopamine (the “feel good hormone”). MY “research” lies in my own lived experience, though. In the 25 years that I have unconsciously and consciously used art to heal myself, I have proved over and over again that art really does heal. I am so grateful every day for this practice, and that I have been able to share it with others since 2007 when I had the aha moment that THIS was going to be my work in the world.

That work includes my own healing and realizing that making art IS how I am able to be honest with myself. Memories or no, when I am in the moment slinging paint or scribbling on a canvas, making art brings me home to myself and my own inner knowing in the most honest way possible.

 The big mama of all art journal pages