Courage

I have grown into a place in my life where I mostly feel courageous and confident as I move through my relationships and the world. Every now and then, however, come those situations where it seems that all of that strength falls away and leaves me stripped naked and bewildered. It usually happens in the face of certain people (personalities). It could be a person I just met, or someone that has been in my life forever. It has to do with the part of me that shows up around those personalities. These relationships trigger some unhealed places and can cause me to feel paralyzed and very small at times. When faced with these instances, I can so quickly revert back to how I felt at a  young age (powerless), and even how I handled my feelings then (not very gracefully). It makes me feel so  flustered and discombobulated. I actually can lose myself and the sense of my own strength in an instant. It is so frustrating when it happens, because I feel that the confidence and personal power for which I have worked so hard all my life becomes just out of reach, and I am left feeling defeated and with a sense of shame because I have interacted with a person from a small place instead of a healthy strong one. It is a vicious cycle to be sure, and I still haven't fully unraveled it. All I can do at this point is forgive myself (not easy), acknowledge it and gently observe myself as I move through and try to heal these situations. This journal spread represents how I did that that today in the face of my feelings about a relationship that leaves me feeling powerless. It is about taking back the courage and confidence I know I have and not falling into the trance of an old trigger that no longer poses a real threat.